And life turned
I guess its fairly obvious that writing has taken a backseat in recent months, this has had little to do with inspiration or lack of ideas and more to do with life taking a turn I was never expecting. Between mid November and mid December my life took a drastic turn in every way, what I had to do in the months following, was pivot, really fucking pivot quite frankly.
When you have known people for a long time, you yourself will know that you can come to predict people's behaviour, nature, decisions etc. I was fairly in tune with things that did or were coming my way. Every now and then I would get a nice surprise, like being sued for defamation, but that's a story for another day, hehehe - all character building right?!? But the turn that befell my family in November 2020 was not one I saw coming nor predicted. Much of what has happened in recent years to me has largely affected just that - ME. I have shielded my boys, protected them, hid from them when it got hard, laughed with my friends at the stupidity and craziness of it all, cried - you name it, I did it and rolled through it. But the latest turn in life affected my sons - deeply. I was faced with a new mothering challenge - not one I expected to face when my boys were a tender age of 4 and 6. I was faced with emotionally supporting through a period in life that I could not explain, rationalise or take their pain away. There were also two major events that separately to this, significantly impacted me. But I felt I could not feel my own pain, I needed to support the boys. After all, they are first. As much as I would like to share the exact details of all three separate events, I can't. This is for several reasons - this is because legally I can't, out of respect of others I deeply respect and out of respect to my boys. Those genuinely closest to me know the depths of what has transpired over recent months and the depths of my own grief. Whenever I grieve, I do so very privately and out of sight but those close, know. But what I will talk about is my sense of freedom.
For many years I have felt in chains, bound by my inability to have true independence despite fighting to my final moments for it, true physical and emotional safety. I have been haunted by my demons, unable to see a life free from them. Yet within a month, exactly that happened - all of a sudden I was free. Truly FREE. And what a feeling this really is - I cannot describe in words what this sense is but it's peace and mostly HOPE. Hope for a future you never thought you would get, hope for your family, hope for what you can do with your life, hope for where you can go. See when you feel trapped, what you are left with is a 'hope for the best' type mentality. When you are free suddenly the world becomes filled with opportunity and ultimately gives you the ability to dare to dream again. Dare to dream of a future you were never quite sure you would get. For some people, even when physically on their own emotionally they are not, they carry their traumas, they carry their demons, they carry their past. What I can say is in five years, I have faced every part of my past and present in those times. I faced my own PTSD head on, trauma, depression, anxiety - every single bit of it I have proudly unpacked with a team of professionals, I have fucked up - hugely fucked up at moments but when the day came for me to have the opportunity to be free - I grabbed it - scared, unsure, not really knowing what I was in for but certain as hell that the boys and I would make it through and funnily enough, I spent more years in chains doubting myself than what I have since November, even though my mountain is a little higher to climb now.
I now have a true and very clear sense of my worth, a deep sense of who I am and where I am headed, a clear picture in my mind of where I am headed and every damm day these boys and I take a step closer to that no matter how hard it is. Most importantly, I know that even the hardest days I have pass, my cup will be refilled, I have daily opportunities to now create laughter, to smile and most importantly to love.
Following the events of this four week period, I threw myself into my boys, my home and getting it ready for sale, my family, my friends. I sat with my own grief and still do each and every day but I know it will pass. I hid in my audio books, my music, took a break from social media, went on holidays, forgave myself for giving my kids electronic tablets to sit on to give me breathing room and have quiet in my house (if you are a mum to boys you know, its never that quiet). I allowed myself to breathe, breathe in the possibilities.
4 December 2020 is a date inked in my story - it was the day I became free and much to my mother's dismay now it's etched into my body. She may not understand my desire to mark it but she accepts it for it's my journey and on this day was the end of a journey I never thought would come. So this is for the woman that has ever doubted herself, for the one who has felt trapped, for the one still trapped by what life has thrown her way - fight until you have nothing left because if you can get to freedom I can tell you that it tastes soooooo unbelievably good and the best bit - you can dare to DREAM. And really DREAM!!
If you are someone I am connected with and what to know some of the more private parts of this part of my story, please connect me with. I will share, I just won't share publicly for all the reasons I have shared.
Much love as always,